Chasing Twilight
by Edward's soul mate
Summary: If you love Twilight, if your heart broke in New Moon when Edward left and you cried until he came back then this story is for you! Edward being who he is still leaves our Bella but this time she's not taking it lying down...
1. Chapter 1

**Hello twilighters! This is my first story and it's going to get real juicy, real soon even though it starts off a little sad. Please review! If you're reading this you have a responsibility to tell me if I'm crap or not! Stop reading right now if you're going to be lazy! No wait read it anyway! I promise I'll get you addicted. Enjoy!**

I suddenly realized I had been sitting here for the past three hours, holding my chest and trying to close the gapping hole there. It wasn't the first time I'd found myself like this since Edward had left. I was sure I had wasted half my life in numbing painful nothingness since _he'd_ abandoned me 3 months ago. I looked through the rain blurred windscreen of my truck at the black road ahead and the thick green forest that hugged its edges. This was the first time my beautiful truck had given up on me and on top of what had happened this afternoon I felt like life was giving up on me too. I slowly came to realize several things; no cars had passed during the eternity I had been sitting here, the rain wasn't letting up and it was starting to get dark. I tried to start the truck one more time to no avail; instead I was awarded a sad spluttering sound before I gave up.

"Great", I said aloud to myself.

I knew I would have to start walking and on the wet road. I was, no doubt, about to fall over numerous times.

I stepped out of the car and into the cold rain. As I slammed the car door I caught sight of my reflection in the car door window. I was a mess. My hair was a haystack the way _he_ used to say looked good. I tried to straighten my hair in spite of _him_, while fighting back little stabs of pain.

"He doesn't care anymore", I said aloud to myself.

A silent tear fell down my cheek. It was the first time I had said that sad fact aloud and it was much more painful than expected but, nevertheless, it was something I needed to get used to. I wrapped my jacket around me tighter, both to keep myself warm and to hold myself together, and began to trudge down the slippery road towards home.

As expected I fell, a lot. Each fall, each scrape and bruise somehow hurt less than the pain I felt tearing at my insides. I fought against the physical and emotional pain while trying not to look at my bleeding palms. The smell of my blood was making me queasy but I refused to throw up the same way I refused to lie on the road and cry even though I desperately wanted to. I could feel myself getting angry. Angry with everything! I was alone, my truck was screwed and probably would stay that way for months before I could afford to fix it and Charlie would be mad at me for being late. And then there was the ever present painful issue of _him_ and the fact that he had broke his promise. After three hours of crying there was no more room for sadness for the moment and I instead I just wanted to scream. I couldn't help but think that if _he_ was here he could fix my car. If _he_ was here I could climb onto his marble back so he could run me home and I wouldn't be late. If _he_ was here he would catch me every time I fell and I wouldn't feel nauseas from the smell of my own blood. If _he_ was here he would fix my broken heart and make me whole again… but I wasn't so sure about any of that anymore, because _he_ wasn't here. _He_ had left, probably because he was sick of catching me when I fell, because _he_ didn't want to constantly deal with my human problems and didn't care enough to make me a vampire like him. He had left me and I told myself again,

"He doesn't care anymore", my voice seemed stronger in my ears.

Everything I said, I knew was true. Everything I had seen this afternoon had proved it, and I tried to replace pain with anger as I remembered…

**REVIEW! P.S Chapters after this will be waaaaay longer i just wanted to give you a little taste and see how everyone likes it...**


	2. Chapter 2The Cullen House

As I made my way up the winding drive to the Cullen house my stomach had churned

I had made my way up the winding drive to the Cullen house early in the morning with my stomach churning. God knows what I was thinking, I knew I would pay for this little visit later and already I felt hurt gnawing at the edges of the hole in my chest. I had tried to breathe calmly as the drive ended and the deserted house came into view. It was still magnificent even though the forest around had begun encroaching upon the boarders of its garden. The empty dark windows stared out at me like soulless eyes and I was afraid of what I might find but I had to know. The curiosity was killing me.

I turned off my truck and took a deep breathe before opening the rusted car door. I hadn't looked up at the beautiful house as I had approached it. Instead I looked down at my feet searching for my choice of weapon as well as ensuring I wouldn't fall. I bent down and picked up a large rock from the side of the path. I was still in a state of forced calm when I began to walk up the front steps to the porch. I felt as long as I didn't look up I'd be ok but as I neared the door I had to see what I was doing and reluctantly looked through the narrow window to the side of the front door. The window had beautiful coloured panes of glass forming a red rose and I momentarily I stopped to question my sanity. Whether the house was empty or not made almost no difference. Either way I was exposing open wounds to infection. My arm had a mind of its own and without instruction from my brain it lifted to slam the large rock through the delicate window. I winced as the glass shattered and fell to the ground at my feet like evil glitter. The last time I had encountered broken glass was at my disatrous18th birthday. I had suppressed the memory and concentrated on reaching through the jagged opening my rock had created and unlocking the door from the inside. It was a small miracle I didn't cut myself. The loud click of the lock interrupted the sound of my uneven breathing and the babbling stream nearby. I had held my breath as I swung the door open…

The feeling was like walking under water as I had stepped over the threshold into the dark stillness. It was empty. Just like me, it was hollow and left a shell of what it was. My slow steps had echoed around the empty house and pressed on my deaf ears. There was nothing. Despair had filled me and it still gripped my chest and heart now as I walked down the road with the night closing in on me. I guess I had hoped that it would be as I had last seen it, that I could sit on their beautiful couch and pretend _he_ would walk in at any moment, sweep me up in _his_ arms and tell me _he_ loved me. But there was no couch, no anything and the idea of _him _still loving me was nothing more than a sick, self destructive fantasy. The chandeliers were gone and the ceilings looked empty, the carpet had been ripped up; the only thing left was dust. I was almost surprised that hadn't demolished the house to remove all trace of them. I wandered through the house that I used to think of as my second home but now held nothing but ghosts. Pointless questions swam through my head. Why couldn't _he_ love me when _he_ had been my everything? I don't know how I moved when I was collapsing on the inside but I somehow made it up the stairs and found myself outside _his_ room. I knew it would be empty too, logically, I knew that but I had just wanted to be sure. What was going into _his_ room going to do now? I was already here and already hurting so I opened the door.

I had swayed and almost fainted. I breathed in deeply and let the flood gates open. Yes it was empty but _his_ room was still filled with _his_ sweet scent. I had lain on the floor of _his_ room all day and breathed in enough to make myself dizzy between choking sobs. Memories had not done _his_ smell justice. I don't think I cried that much even when he first left me. I had thought of _his_ words "_It will be as if I never existed_" many times and had been worried that he had spoken the truth. That I would forget him and walking through the front door had been my worst nightmare. When I had seen that it was empty it really was like he had never existed but _his _smell was still here. I knew now I wouldn't ever forget but it also confirmed that I would never stop hurting…

Eventually I cried myself to sleep only to wake up in the late afternoon and drag myself from the house. I dragged myself out of remembering my nightmare day and figured I was still half an hour from home. I looked at my watch through tear blurred eyes and saw it was way past my curfew. There was no point in even hurrying now; Charlie was going to gut me. I kicked at an innocent stone on the side of the road only to lose my balance and have my butt collide with the road.

I lay on the road and screamed at the sky. I didn't even care if a passing car ran over my head and frustrated tears formed at the corners of my eyes before I practically bruised my eye in an angry attempt to get rid of them.

"This is not supposed to be like this!" I yelled at myself.

My eye hurt, my hands hurt, my butt hurt and my heart hurt. Life sucked. Then I saw Charlie's cruiser pulling up.

"Great" I said quietly to myself before Charlie came running up to me.

**Get excited the next chapter is going to be life changing! REVIEW!! No review no story!**


	3. Chapter 3

**YAY!! Next chapter! Sorry it took so long but my internet went down!**

**Ok, so remember if you're reading this you owe me a review! I would really appreciate some constructive criticism; I really have no idea what kind of writer I am so if I'm shit I'd really appreciate being told. Lol, Enjoy!!**

"Bella!" Charlie shouted as he ran towards me.

I sat up slowly and watched as his worried face turned to a strange mix of anger and relief.

"Where the hell have you been? Your curfew was at least and hour ago! What the hell where you doing lying on the side of the road?? Jesus Christ, Bella I thought you had been hit by a car or something!" Charlie's face had turned beet red as he'd been shouting.

I stood up slowly, his shouting was fuel for my burning frustration with everything and I tried to answer as calmly as I could.

"Well I'm not dead…unfortunately", I had muttered that last word but the look in Charlie's eyes told me he had heard me.

"That's it Bella! You need to get over this. He was just a stupid boy! Yes you "loved" him but everyone has had they're heart broken and this is getting ridiculous! Snap out of it now because I'm sick of this attitude. Now where the hell is your truck and where have you been? I deserve and explanation" he finished yelling and folded his arms expectantly waiting for an answer.

I answered coldly, "Well _Charlie, _If you walk about half an hour that way", I gestured to the road behind me, "You'll find the cheap hunk of scrap metal you gave me broken down on the side of the road where I had to abandon it!"

I had cut deep and I instantly regretted it. He had given the truck to me as a present, as a "welcome to Forks" gift. All the air went out of him and he dropped his arms and looked away from me. I was a liar. I loved the truck, I had just said it to hurt him and his silence told me I had succeeded.

"Just get in the car Bella", he told me quietly.

The hurt in his voice cut me and we hoped into the car in silence. He didn't even pursue me about where I had been. Charlie didn't look at me the entire ride home and the quiet hurt pressed on my chest making it hard to breathe. In what seemed like forever before we arrived back home

"Dad, I didn't mean it I…" I began before Charlie cut me off.

"Don't Bella… I don't know who you are anymore and I can't keep pretending that the old Bella is going to come back. You've changed so much and I haven't seen you smile since _he _left. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm not sure if I can keep dealing with the pain you're inflicting on me and everyone around you by holding on to Edward. Just think about what you want to do because we can't keep living like this" Charlie hoped out of the car and closed the door before I could respond. The mention of _his _name had shocked me into silence.

"I'm sorry", I whispered to the empty car.

Once in my room I screamed into my pillow.

"I hope you're proud of yourself Bella, you manage to hurt yourself and everyone around you on a regular basis" I was grateful the pillow muffled my lecture to myself. Going to the Cullen's place this morning pretty much guaranteed that this day was suck but god! I finished abusing my pillow and got out of bed breathing hard. I felt childish for having such a tantrum but I was just so upset and tired of hurting, screaming was the only thing stopping me from crying. I stood in the middle of my room and stared at the battered wooden rocking chair in the corner of my room. Waves of memories washed over me from the first morning I had woken to find _him_ sitting there waiting for me. _He_ had been beautiful, _he_ had told me I was _his_ "everything", and _he_ had lied.

I suddenly hated that chair. I grabbed it out of the corner and threw it to the floor with everything I had.  
CRACK!  
"Shit!" I muttered.  
I don't know what I expected to happen by throwing the chair around but judging by that sickening crunch I had just broke the rocking chair I'd had since I was a baby! My anger drained away as I quickly bent down to check it for damage in a panic. I really didn't need another reason for Charlie to be mad at me.  
"Thank god!" I breathed a sigh of relief once I was sure the chair had survived my temper tantrum. If Charlie had been home he, no doubt, would have heard the crash but he had left shortly after our fight and I was glad he hadn't been in the house to bear witness to my freak out. I was putting the chair back into its corner when I noticed the long crack in the floorboards.  
"Oh fk!" I said in acknowledgment of the fact I was now officially screwed.

I lay flat on my stomach to examine the damage. I was impressed with the strength of my chair as I saw what it had done. The floorboard in the centre of my room now had a massive split down the length of it causing one half of the board to have collapsed.

After a moment of silent swearing I hopped up and bounded down the stairs to grab a flash light and a butter knife in the hopes I could maybe lever the board up out of its collapsed position and cover up my crime. I easily found my weapons of choice and carefully made my way back up the stairs, as always, mindful of my clumsy feet. I closed my door behind me in case Charlie returned during my project and dropped to my knees before flicking on my torchlight.

Something was sparkling. I moved my torch of the same area of the crack in the floorboard a number a times and I was sure there was definitely something glittering in there. I levered up half of the floorboard with the butter knife and half crushed my fingers squeezing them between the tiny gap I had created. I was trying not to think of the possibility of bugs or spiders when my fingers brushed something cold and plastic. With some effort I pulled out a clear CD case. I swayed.

It was Edward's CD.

**Ooooooh! How will Bella react? What will she do now? Find out next week with the exciting next chapter!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Ok sorry about the wait. Enjoy my fellow twilighters for i love you all!**

**My one and only disclaimer: I do not own twilight or any of these characters. They own me, I am possessed by them. Especially Edward...he owns my soul. XD**

I couldn't breathe. It couldn't be. It just couldn't.

There were so many thoughts so many emotions I couldn't process them all and I went numb. I just concentrated on breathing.

_Breathe in…Breathe out…Breathe in…_

I stood up and moved to the CD player, I couldn't panic until I knew for sure that it was _his_ CD. I ran my fingers over the smooth case before I opened it and carefully put the silver disk into place. My finger hovered over the play button. I knew what song was first and I was afraid that this might be it. This might kill me, after all, there was only so much my heart could take. I pressed play.

It felt like an eternity of silence before I heard that first note. I practically slammed the stop button, my heart racing. It was _his_. I only needed that first note to know. Any more than that and I wouldn't be able to function for the next few days and I knew that right now I had to do something. I wasn't sure what this meant but I wasn't thinking. Ripping up my floor had given me this and I felt burning hope that it wasn't all that had been hiding under my feet.

The next thing I knew I had a crowbar and was tearing up the floor while trying not to hurt my self. The broken plank finally tore out leaving a dark ragged hole and I shoved my hand into the unknown. My fingers were in desperate search for more proof of his existence and more memories no matter what they cost me. I froze. There was more. I quickly pulled out photos and a folded note. I slumped down onto my bed, captured perfectly forever was my love, _him. _My heart screamed, my ears ringing with the sound of my pain and I curled up to hold my chest together, to close the gaping hole still bleeding there. I put the photo's face down so I couldn't see the golden eyes I missed so much and slowly picked up the folded note with shaking fingers.

I unfolded the note with my eyes closed.

"Be strong", I told myself, "You need to know".

I took a deep breath and opened my eyes, immediately recognizing the beautiful flowing script as _his_ writing.

_My Dearest love,_

_You will never read this but I love you more than you will ever know. I wish so badly to be with you and to protect you and I just can't. Those two wishes contradict each other so I have done what is best for you. Not being able to cry is a curse and a blessing. A blessing because when I left you the tears that I so wanted to cry would have gave me away and you would still be endangered by my presence. A curse because I will be unable to express my grief for the loss of you for the rest of eternity. I didn't think I was capable of such monstrous lies but everything I told you in the woods was a pure deception and I write this note in a pathetic attempt to leave you with some truth even though you will never know it. I love you so much Bella Swan, please be safe and be happy._

_With all my heart and soul,_

_Edward._

I remembered to breathe out and did a mental check. Breathing? _Tick._ Heart still beating? _Tick._ I was ok at least physically and the hole in my chest was not bleeding though I still felt it ache. Realizing that the note hadn't and wouldn't kill me I reread it several times my breathing coming faster. I felt nothing, not hurt, not joy, just confused nothing. It didn't make sense... I tried the words out loud.

"He…loves…me?" I couldn't help but make it sound like a question, I just wasn't sure. I felt surprisingly calm and I reached over to press play on my CD player.

I felt relief as the music washed over me, like I had been tense from the moment he left me. The same tears of love flowed down my cheeks that had fallen when he had first played my lullaby to me and for the first time in months I let myself remember him.

"_You are my life now"… "Look after my heart, I've left it with you"… "I'm tired of trying to stay away from you"… "I love you"…_

He had said all those things to me and I knew he had meant them then. Esme's song started then as a background to my thoughts and I knew that I could not just continue with life without the truth. I had to find out what he meant. Did he love me or not? I wouldn't survive another rejection. I would die from the pain or kill myself, but I was barely living without him, Charlie's suffering was proof of that. It was worth the risk, I had nothing to lose.

Before I could change my mind I was out of bed, drying my tears and stuffing my duffel bag full of everything I owned and that I could carry. I remembered the last time I had packed in such a hurry, at least this time I didn't have to convince Charlie to let me leave with tears and tantrums. I dived under my bed; retrieving the old socks I put emergency money in. I found 500 cash. Holy shit! I didn't remember putting it there but I wasn't about to question good fortune so I shoved the money in my wallet, driving that issue to the back of my mind.

I felt alive. I was aware of what I was doing and where I was. I was taking control and making decisions. I was on a mission to die or reclaim the love of my life and it felt great to be actually doing something. Even if it was death, it would be better than the numbing limbo I had wandered in before. I took a moment after my rapid packing to look around my room. It was in chaos. Floorboards ripped out, clothes everywhere, bed a mess. It was weird to see my room looking like someone actually inhabited it and I couldn't help but think that Charlie would throw a fit when he saw it. I double checked everything; clothes, money, passport, toiletries, photos, note and CD. I was ready. I grabbed the flight times and details I had printed off the internet while I had been packing. I had no idea where he was but I knew where to start, I was almost surprised I hadn't thought of it before.

Denali.


End file.
